Dating For Faithful Lifestyles

Who You Spend Time With Determines How You Feel

2008-01-29T16:31:00.001-08:00

by Debi Silber, MS, RD, WHC

Tell me who you spend your time with and I'll tell you how you feel. Sounds impossible? It's really not. You see, we often take on the feelings, behaviors and attitudes of those we spend time with. For example, let's say you have a friend or coworker who's always complaining. She's speaks negatively about her body, her job, her relationships and her life. She looks forward to spending time with you because it gives her an opportunity to vent and find relief. Once she's through, she feels lighter, freer and ready to go on with her day. She enjoys speaking to you because you're a great listener, enabling her to be heard and valued. That works for her but how do you feel? Chances are you feel drained, deflated and uninspired. Although your intention was to be a good friend, once you became involved emotionally in your friends negativity, you were brought right down with her.

Now on the other hand, let's say you have plans to see a friend who is lighthearted, enthusiastic and embraces life with eagerness and zest. Just thinking about this friend brings a smile to your face because you know you'll be having fun and enjoying each other's company. After your time together, you're excited about the rest of your day. You want to capture every moment and see all the beauty that's around you. Your friend may not have intentionally tried to alter your thinking but her positive approach and attitude was infectious.

Which person is better for your health? Studies show that positive thinkers have a 55% lower risk of death from all causes and 23% lower risk of death from heart failure. That's not to say that the more positive person doesn't experience anything unpleasant. In fact, the positive, optimistic person may have experienced more unfortunate situations than the negative, pessimistic person. The result of these experiences however leaves the positive thinker with a greater appreciation, perspective and sense of gratitude. They are grateful for what they see and have because they may have something less pleasant to compare it with. When they encounter a stressful situation, they look for ways to improve it versus letting it consume them. When a problem arises, they use it as an opportunity to find the most appropriate solution, rather than dwelling or magnifying all that's gone wrong.

The negative person works much differently. They expect negative results and when it happens, it only confirms what they'd originally predicted. They're more comfortable judging, gossiping or criticizing because putting others down offers them some relief from their pain. The negative person maintains the role of "victim" in a script she's written for herself. She feels other's are responsible for her "lot in life" and often uses it as an excuse to stay exactly where she is.

Within each of us is a broad range of emotions. An optimist doesn't only experience joy and the pessimist doesn't only experience negativity. It's just that the optimist chooses to expect happiness, success and pleasure and as a result, that's what they find. The pessimist chooses to replay negative thoughts which lead to negative results. It's a choice. We choose how we want to think, feel and act. Although we may be conditioned to think or react a certain way, if we don't like the results it is our choice to change. That's why if we're working towards changing the way we think, feel and react, it's important to be careful about the people you're spending your time with. Look for like minded people who support, encourage and inspire you. Limit your time with people who drain, upset and frustrate you.

This is your life. You are the driver of your car on the road to fulfillment, greater purpose and happiness. While there may be many detours, you have the power to steer yourself in whichever direction you choose to go. If you want to feel good, steer yourself towards an optimistic perspective and let your relationships support your cause. If you choose pessimism, misery loves company and you'll find many people welcoming you into their negative club. Life is a journey and we don't travel alone. Who are you bringing on your ride?

Debi Silber, MS, RD, WHC is a Registered Dietitian, Certified Personal Trainer, Whole Health Coach and President of Lifestyle Fitness, Inc. Debi is a Lifestyle Expert who has worked exclusively with moms for nearly 20 years inspiring and empowering them to become physically fit and emotionally strong through gradual, lifestyle changes.

Secrets That Happy People Know - And You Can Too!

2008-01-10T16:34:00.000-08:00

by Kevin Sinclair

Are the daily pressures and stressors that you face each day present obstacles that cause you feelings of anxiety and hopelessness?

Do you ever look at other people who seem to have the juggling act down pat? Did you ever wonder how these people are able to handle the curve balls that Life hurls their way with the ease, grace and optimism that they display? Maybe you have a friend or family member who has the remarkable ability to see the best sides of life and this frustrates you because you are unable to understand just from where their eternal sunshine originates.

Don't worry, you are in good company. There are many people who feel the crunch from pressures at work, family routines that are hectic and an energy level that seems to have plummeted so much that your enjoyment in life has plummeted right along with it. If you have forgotten how to take the positive approach and view to life, or if Life has placed obstacles in your way such as loss of a job, illness or death of a family member and it has drained the life from you, then try these tips to return joy to our life.

Stay Connected:

When you are rushing about, paddling as fast as you can to keep your head above water and stay on top of all of your tasks, you may forget to stay connected to the people who are important to you. You may have let your family and friends slip to the back burner.

Studies show that happy people have good relationships. If you are feeling down, it may help to call a friend and go for coffee. Maybe make some special time to spend with your spouse or children. Human interaction can boost your energy and help you get your priorities in order so that you can feel joy.

Contemplate The Good Things In Your Life:

This may sound redundant, but stop to think about the things that are good in your life. When you focus on the positive things in your life it can really increase your happiness and satisfaction.

Is something going on at work that is getting you down? Have you been dealing with your kids the way that you should or are you cranky and short with them? You can turn these feelings around when you consciously take inventory of the things that you have done right. When you identify areas where you can make improvements and acknowledge that the changes are good for you, you will begin to feel better. If you spend your life beating yourself up over mistakes you've made and injustices done to you, it will only serve to break your spirit.

Get A Hobby:

Sometimes a little diversion is just what the doctor ordered to pull you out of your funk. Get a hobby and it just might bring happiness back to your life. When you challenge yourself and enrich your life with interests that extend beyond the scope of your daily routine, it can bring a zest to your life that you may have been missing.

Do Something For Someone Else:

It is easy to get wrapped up in your own problems and wallow in your disappointments, but if you take a moment to look beyond your own problems and see where you can help someone else, it can bring you great satisfaction and joy.

You really don't have to do much to start feeling better. Holding the door for someone, bringing a co-worker a cup of coffee, helping someone load their groceries into their car or picking up groceries for an elderly neighbor can do wonders for your psyche. It can make you feel better and remind you that we are responsible for our own happiness and that it comes from our own attitudes and actions.

There are instances where your lack of enjoyment of life may be related so a physiological or psychological condition such as heart disease, depression, hypertension or anxiety and no amount of good deeds are going to help. If this is the case, you should consult your physician and get some help so that you can take the steps necessary to get your life back on track, a smile on your face and a spring in your step.

Kevin Sinclair is the publisher and editor of My-Personal-Growth.com, a site that provides information and articles for self improvement and personal growth and development.

Yes it can happen for you!

2007-12-17T17:50:00.000-08:00

Sometimes good news comes in strange forms. About 8 weeks ago we got an email from two members requesting that we cancel their account. Under normal circumstances it's not what you want to get (a cancellation message) but these aren't normal circumstances.

You see these members not only found each other on FaithMate.com but got married as a result. So from all of us at FaithMate to Sheila and Tony... Congratulations!

If you've got a story to tell please let us know. Simply send it to admin@faithmate.com.

Mr. Perfect Did What? Ignore These Red Flags at Your Own Risk

2007-12-04T16:23:00.000-08:00

Most women out there know this sad scenario: You’ve finally landed a date with a great guy, when all of a sudden, those red flags start flyin’. You know: those comments or behaviors that you try to ignore, because, well, he just seems so perfect. But somewhere inside, you realize they signal trouble. While some signs risk your short-term safety, and some just risk your long-term sanity, it’s important to be honest with yourself and cut things off before you get in too deep.

These warning signs or “red flags” come in three forms: things he says, things he does (or doesn’t do), and things he has done in the past; if you know what to look for, identifying them is quicker and therefore more painless for you in the long run:

#1 Conversational killers

Pushing for personal info
As we’ve explained (see “Don’t Forget Safety in Online Dating: Keep Your Heart Open . . . But Also Your Eyes,” November 2007), when dating online, it’s important to protect your privacy by not giving out your phone number or address until you really get to know someone. And any respectable man will respect that. If you sense a potential date pushing for your home address, phone number, or place of work, cut off contact immediately. If he doesn’t get the hint, most dating sites offer a “block sender” option. Use it.

Pushing for in-person plans
So you meet online and e-mail once or twice, and next thing you know, he is pushing you to meet in person. Of course if you feel comfortable and are ready to meet (in a public place of course), go ahead. But if you’d like a little more cyber-chat before making that move, he should understand. If the tone of a man’s voice or his e-mails ever sound “forceful,” again, discontinue communication at once. Ditto if he suggests an “intimate” evening after you have made it clear you are more comfortable meeting in a public setting.

Intimidation or humiliation
Never, ever should a man try to make you feel stupid or humiliated as a way of getting you to do something you are not comfortable with. Comments like, “Are you paranoid?” “I guess you don’t trust me,” or “Man, you must have been really hurt in the past” are signs of bad things to come. This is very serious, as most cases of abuse begin with a man trying to belittle his mate or take away her power or confidence. Any good Christian man will value kindness and compassion—he’ll want to build you up, not tear you down.

Trash talk
While we all have that one ex who we can’t find a positive word to describe, a man who seems to have negative words about every ex is a man to be reconsidered. Think about it statistically: What are the chances that a man has dated only awful people? And if they were really all ghastly girlfriends, what does that say about him . . . and furthermore, why is he making a point to tell you? The same applies to men who constantly put down women in general or in a mean-spirited way. A good man knows how to make you feel beautiful without calling other women ugly.

Sexual speak
It is never appropriate for a man to use suggestive language or make sexual innuendos to a woman he barely knows, particularly if he claims to uphold Christian values. Any inappropriate references to your physical attributes or direct (or indirect) sexual requests should not be taken lightly. These are signs of a man out for one thing . . . and it’s not Christian companionship.

Too much “me” talk
Relationships require a lot of give and take, and only talking about himself is an early indicator of a man who is self absorbed. While it’s important to cut people some slack on first dates (sometimes people ramble on about themselves out of nervousness), a man who consistently talks only about himself (especially in a bragging or egotistical manner) is a man who will likely be self-centered when it comes to the give-and-take of a relationship. A man who is really ready for a loving union will take a genuine interest in your life.

Hello . . . I love you
While we all love to be loved, too strong of language or immediate proclamations of devotion often ring false. A man who tells you he’s “falling in love” via e-mail or a first date is likely either flattering you in the hopes of physicality or is so in need of finding a mate, that he’s not very particular who that mate is. You deserve to be really loved for the person you are; and one date is not enough time to get to know that person.

Dishonesty and contradictions
Honesty is one of the hallmarks of a Christian. So if you start to notice small contradictions, or you flat-out bust him in actual lies, run—don’t rationalize—or you’ll likely end up in a bad situation. What are some of the more common fabrications? Lies about his past generally signify he’s got something to hide. On the other hand, untruths about what he’s doing or where he’s going usually mean he’s seeing other people—which is perfectly fine if it’s early on and you’re not exclusive—but even if this is the case, there are more upfront ways of dealing with this such as simply saying, “I was at a movie with a friend.” Oh, and if you’re thinking of going all psycho-snooper, think again. Because unless he’s a master manipulator, he won’t be able to keep his stories straight, and his lies will become obvious fairly quickly . . . without your illicit investigation.

Secrecy
Similar to dishonesty and contradictions, secrecy is used in place of lying when he wants to keep something undercover. If he is unwilling to give out his phone number or (after a number of dates and visits to your place), his residence remains a mystery, you’ve generally got a cheater on your hands. The excuses for the secrecy can range from standard (“My house is a mess”) to stupid (“My cat doesn’t like strangers”), but no matter what his reason, your strategy should be the same: Make one honest inquiry, such as, “I would really like to come to your place next time.” If he’s still elusive, assume he’s attached; detach yourself immediately, and move on to someone available (and not adulterous).

#2 Bad-boy behaviors

Disrespect
Obviously, disrespect can come in many forms, but what I’m referring to here is a disrespect for your personal space or, even worse, unwanted physical gestures. A man who is flaunting his “Christianity” in the hopes of a physical relationship, will often test the waters by making initially small advances—like putting a hand on your thigh or touching your waist—to see how you react. If you don’t protest, he figures, he is free to move on to even more inappropriate behavior. Especially if he has a charming personality, it may be tempting to think, “He must just really like me.” But don’t be fooled: Once you have made it known that you are a Christian who is going to act with self-respect, if he really likes you, he’ll save the physical gestures until a more appropriate stage in the relationship.

Abnormal actions
This is similar to secrecy and occurs when a new man does things that just seem contrary to what would be expected. Examples include never answering his phone if you call in the evening, unwillingness to make plans on weekends, a constantly-ringing phone when you are with him, or even answering his phone while in your company, then excusing himself to talk in private. As with secrecy, the reason is probably that he’s already involved. And when it comes to assessing what is abnormal, listening to your gut is the way to go: If you feel something is amiss, it’s best to move on.

Drinking and drugs
While having one or two drinks during an evening out is nothing to cause concern, someone who uses illegal substances or abuses alcohol will only bring you heartache, as if you get serious, their problem is going to become your problem. There is no getting around it, he won’t be capable of giving you the kind of Christian support, honesty, and devotion that you deserve until after he conquers his addiction . . . and remember, there will likely be a rock bottom before a clean start.

Note: Signs of alcohol or drug dependence include mood swings, inability to engage in activities that don’t include alcohol, smelling of alcohol before a date, denying using drugs or alcohol when evidence suggests otherwise, association with people known to abuse drugs or alcohol, canceling plans last minute, and financial problems despite adequate earnings.

Anger and loss of control
Of all the warning signs, these are the most serious, as they pose immediate danger to your safety. If you observe angry outbursts such as yelling, cursing, or physical responses to frustration (i.e. throwing things, punching walls, erratic driving), there are no two ways about it: You need to terminate the relationship before it gets serious. The reason this is so crucial is that all of these behaviors are early warning signs of physical abuse. In nearly all cases of domestic violence, the abuse begins in the form of the previously mentioned behaviors, then escalates once the perpetrator feels he can “get away with it” or once he has worn down the victim’s self-esteem.

Social isolation
While it may not be initially apparent, pushing a woman to pull away from friends and family is another classic, early warning sign of abuse. It usually starts with the man putting down members of your family or social circle in an effort to pressure you to cut contact with them. The reason for this is that a woman who has a strong support system is not an easy target for physical or emotional abuse, as she has people to lean on, a more positive self-image, and friends or family to confide in if abuse does occur. Again the moral is this: If a man pushes you to disconnect from friends or family, disconnect from him immediately.

#3 Problematic past

Excessive exes
While we have all made mistakes and forgiveness is a pillar of Christianity, it is still wise to look at a man’s past to assess for potential patterns; one of these patterns is the clichéd “love-em-and-leave-em.” Two or three relationships by the time a person reaches their 20s is not uncommon, however, an excessive amount of exes is a sign of jumping from one woman to another. On the other side of the spectrum, if a man has had NO committed unions by the time he reaches mid-adulthood, it is also worth exploring the reason: Maybe he has just been holding out for a good woman . . . but maybe he has unrealistic (and unachievable) ideals.

Baby-daddy blues
While modern Christians are not all verifiable virgins, a man who has fathered more than one out-of-wedlock child is a man to beware of. Again, while there is occasionally a legitimate reason surrounding this circumstance once, repeatedly fathering children outside of a marital union is a pattern, a pattern of promiscuity and a pattern that means problems for you.

The tricky part with warning signs comes when the man possesses positive traits in combination with the negative ones. When a man is very charismatic or you are really anxious to find a mate, you may be hesitant to cut ties, instead trying to rationalize red flags. The message here is, “DON’T.” Research has shown that the signs mentioned above most always lead to bad things later down the line. In other words: bad gets worse, and a breakup is harder after you’ve invested time. But most importantly, your safety isn’t worth it. When you are faced with ending one of these troubled couplings, you must remember that you met this man and therefore you will meet another . . . and God has a healthier human being waiting in the wings.

7 tips to improve your online dating profile photo(s).

2007-11-12T18:38:00.000-08:00

Increase your chances of meeting that special someone.

First let’s make one thing perfectly clear, almost ANY photo is better than none. It’s a fact that better than 50% of online daters won’t even look at profiles without any pictures. And of those that will- they are 7 to 10 times more likely to respond to a profile that has a picture than one that doesn’t!

Today’s inexpensive digital cameras make it possible for you to take a good picture. But they can’t correct the aesthetics; all they can do is capture the image you provide. Even Denzel Washington looks ordinary (if such is possible) when the lighting is wrong or the pose is unflattering.

Here are some tips that you can put to use today!

1. Don’t look rigid

Have a good friend be the photographer. Try to forget about the fact that they’re taking your picture and just chat. While you’re interacting like you usually would your friend can just keep clicking away. Pet the dog, stroke the cat, pick up a pan whatever. Digital pictures cost nothing! Also, try not to keep your hands right by your sides. Instead, clasp them in the front or in the back, or hold on to your eyeglasses to help relax your body.

2. Minimize wrinkles and avoid shiny skin.

Foundation for women and translucent powder for men are quick fixes. However the real secret is lighting. To get as much light on your face as possible pose near the closest light source, like a window if your indoors. Always use a flash, both inside and outside – the flash will illuminate your skin and help hide imperfections. Make the most of your scenery. Photographs taken on a white sandy beach or a snow-covered surface tend to be more flattering because the reflective qualities of those surfaces help de-emphasize wrinkles and pockmarks. Of course, some scenery is just not practical for online dating profiles, but you understand what we’re saying.

3. Avoid shooting a double chin

Professional photographers will tell you to pay attention to the camera position. If the lens is at your eye level or above, you’re in the right frame. If the lens is below your eye level, then you run the risk of looking like you have an extra chin. One trick is to bend down so you’re at least on an even plane with the photographer (assuming it’s not a full-body photo). If you’re significantly taller than the photographer, sit in a chair and look up toward the camera. Or have the photographer stand on a chair.

4. Avoid a fake smile

The best way to avoid a fake smile is not to have one. Have your photographer friend say something that you think is funny. Or think about a joke you know that makes you laugh and tell it to yourself. Lastly, some models suggest that if you’re self-conscious or critical of your smile, practicing before a photo shoot can be helpful.

5. Avoid “red eye”

Glance at a lamp or the nearest light source right before the photo is taken. This is because red-eye usually occurs in a dim room when the irises have opened up so much that the retinas, which are red with blood vessels, light up when the flash hits them. Glancing at a light source helps because when the pupils affix on something bright, they shrink, reducing the potential for red-eye.

6. Crop your photo

Cropping your photo is easy. Just about every computer has editing software that lets you crop, correct color and more. Get rid of the background and focus the picture on what’s important… you!

7. Highlight your skin tones

Wearing colors that flatter your complexion reduces your risk of looking drab and brighten your overall look. If you have warm skin tones, go with colors in the orange and red families, like coral. If you have a cool complexion, try bluish and violet colors.

What you have here are some simple tips to make yourself as attractive as possible. A good quality, recent photograph is the best strategy. So, choose the best camera you can, choose the colors that convey both the mood and personality you want and note the simple guidelines above to avoid unflattering poses. And, be sure to post more than one picture. Following these suggestions will help get you noticed!

How To Say No

2007-11-05T17:52:00.001-08:00

Dating Advice for Urban Christians

When it is the time to say 'No' to a person whom you don't like, you feel it really tough. Sometimes, a prospective partner wants you take the relationship further, but you don't want to. If you fail to say 'no' right now, the task becomes difficult later on. Leaving that person later on may not become possible. So, it is important to learn not only how to love but also how to leave.

Be Clear In What You Say
If your date wants to see you again after the first date, clearly tell him/her about your feelings. But do it in a polite and direct manner. Thank your date for a nice and lovely evening. Also, make it clear that you'd rather not take the situation any further. You have to be persistent before he or she gets the message.

Be Sensible In Dealing
If your date puts pressure on you to tell the reasons why you not prefer a go out with them, you need to be very tactful in dealing with such situations. You may need to be rude if your date is horrendous; in this case you might close the deal in the beginning itself. But, if your date is not bad and just not meeting your criterion, you need not be rude.

Give An Honest Explanation
When you say no, don't try to blame yourself or the other for the breakup. You may do it to convince the other person and avoid hurting him or her. Instead you can give some honest opinion or explanation. Simply say, "I don't think our relationship works well".

Don't Make Offers That Won't Work
When you make offers be sure that you keep them. Otherwise they cause embarrassment to the other person. If you say, "I'll phone you" or "We will meet again", your date will be full of hope and expectation. If you never call again or meet again it will let him/her down. Also, don't give a false phone number. It's better not to give a number at all.

Don't Overreact
If your date responds badly to your rejection, don't overreact. Your date might get hurt with your rejection and send you a long email pointing your faults or sends a rambling phone message. Don't think he or she is reflecting badly on your character. Be cool and try to understand the situation.

End It In A Polite Manner
Even after your rejection ff your date continues to send text messages or mails, reply in a neutral, polite way. If the emails still continue, ignore them. The same can be done with phone calls. You can answer the first one in a polite way, but you need not answer any subsequent calls.

Reject Friendship Hand
If your rejected date says he or she want to be your friend, politely decline that offer. Most of the times it is an attempt to renew your relationship. Remember - dating is meant to find a partner not a friend. But if you feel that the other person is genuine you can think about that option.

Just follow the above advice on how to say 'no' to your dating partner and end any relationship with a happy note with no trauma later on.

Recommended Reading

When I Say No I Feel Guilty
Manual J Smith PHD

To date over 2 million people have bought this book and learned how to say No without feeling guilty. A great book that will help you get the most out of life by teaching you techniques for being assertive.

When I Say No, I Feel Guilty

Highlight The Real You!

2007-10-30T12:11:00.000-07:00

Lord knows how hard it can be to summarize oneself in just a few words. Let's face it, it’s not easy to write a profile that is both captivating and concise. That's why we thought we'd put together this little "How To" on writing an appealing profile.

Tips to make your profile highlight the real you and give a glimpse into your personality. as well as captivate and get responses from the right people!

Be Casual

When you sit down to write your profile imagine that you just casually met someone at your favorite café, coffee shop or a friend’s party. Imagine what you’re telling them about yourself.

Your dating profile is just an online extension of that chance meeting.

Potential Mates want to know the same things, give them the most relaxed you.

Make your 200-250 words work for you. Keep your profile fun and interesting by mixing concrete info about yourself with a dash of humor and wit. Use 150-200 words to discuss yourself, and 50-100 words describing the person you are looking for. Be as charismatic and exciting as you are in person.

Be Inviting

Remember, this is a first conversation with someone you’re very interested in. Talk about the places where you have lived and cultures you have been exposed to. This will spark dialogue with people who either share your experiences or want to know more about them. People are always interested in other places and cultures. Having lived internationally will definitely intrigue your faith mate. Offer a chance to find a connection through your genealogy (e.g My family was orignally from the Deep South). Similarly, speaking a foreign language can attract attention.

If you’re new to your city, mention that. New faces are always intriguing. Aren’t you usually eager to play tourist guide? They can also ease your settling process; even if no sparks fly, you can always make some good friends. You might even meet someone else new to the area and you two can discover it together.

Give a brief synopsis of schools you have attended, jobs you have held, and your long-term career goals. Don't we usually talk about we do? It makes sense to write about in a dating profile.

If you have children, share a little about them. They are an important part of your life so don’t leave them out. Avoid telling too much, but you want to come across as a normal parent so talk about their ages, and whether or not they live with you. (Don't use this space to talk a lot about them… your potential partner is more interested in YOU)

Be Real

Tell your faith mate what you do for fun. Use your imagination; take the liberty to be witty and intriguing. State your social preferences: go out or stay in? Many friends or a small circle? Bowling, movies, or skiing? Pets or no pets? Give enough of a glimpse into your social life to make your readers want to join you.

Be clear and fair to yourself when talking about whom you want to meet. State your requirements and preferences without limiting yourself unnecessarily. If women with children are out, say so. If you do not want to go out with club-hoppers, mention it clearly in your profile. Only restrict potential mates here with items that you are very sure you absolutely want or do not want in a potential partner. Share whether you are looking for a stable relationship or if you are just looking to meet someone to hang out with to see how things go from there.

All in all, keep it real. Being honest about who you are and what you want will save you a lot of time and effort guide you right to your faith mate.

Check Out This Book:

World Wide Search: The Savvy Christian's Guide to Online Dating

By Cheryl Green

In today's fast-paced world, singles are turning to the Internet in the hopes of finding a relationship that goes deeper than superficial conversation. With so much happening online, how can you know the best place to start and how to proceed?

The search for a special relationship via the Internet holds great promise, but also significant risk. Fortunately, World Wide Search guides you in the right direction, makes you aware of the dangers, and prepares you to enjoy the unique blessings of dating online. Whether you are new to online dating or simply looking for ways to improve your approach, this is the supportive, trustworthy guide you need to help you succeed as you seek "the one" online.

Three Ways to construct a superior Dating Profile:

2007-10-22T17:45:00.000-07:00

Profile Tips that will improve your results!

The competition for attention on online dating services is fierce. So fierce, in fact, that some people resort to lying or posting outdated photos to try and attract attention.
It's critical that you are honest when you create your profile and with your photos so that you don't meet (or interact) with others under false pretenses.
So then what are some important things you can do to build a better profile? Here are three specific profile tips you can use to improve your profile right now.

1) Avoid Negativity

We’ve all experienced a first date where the person we are with complained about their work, finances and they’re life in general. This kind of negativity is a major turnoff. The same is true with your profile. Nothing turns off a reader like negative talk. On the other hand being positive is like a magnet.

Here's how one person started her profile:

"To be quite honest, I have been putting this off as long as possible. I have friends who use Match and have had some terrible dates."

It makes you wonder, "what is she doing here?" Now compare that to this introduction:

"I've heard online dating is a great way to meet awesome people and that's why I want to meet you."

Which one of these profile intros is more attractive? The one who wants to date "losers" or the one that wants to date "winners"? Psychologically everyone wants to be a winner. Therefore in your profile, avoid anything negative like the plague. Be positive.
If you have anything negative in your profile ("I hate country music," "the last guy I dated was a liar and cheater," "I'm sick of being alone," "I'm sick of the bar scene," etc.) then go edit it out immediately and replace it with something positive ("I love independent music and artists, like..."). Always be positive; not just in your profile, but also in life.

2) Go From Usual to Unique

Read this profile and tell me if you recognize it:

"I am a fun person who loves movies and music. I like walks on the beach, good conversation, and dining out. I'm looking for someone who is fun and can make me laugh."
Unfortunately, the above describes most profiles - typical and non-informative. Beef up your profile to be more descriptive and unique. Instead of "I like movies," say "my favorite movie is ____ because _______" or use a movie character to describe you. "I'm a lot like _____ in ______ because _______."

Use clever words that are descriptive. Instead of saying "on hot days I like to go to the ocean or on a hike," say, "on a sizzling day my adventurous side leads me to traversing the ocean on a sailboat or discovering a new waterfall that I can cool off under."
Instead of "I like to discover new things," say, "I'm a lot like Indiana Jones in that I love exploring the mysteries of life, while educating my mind to appreciate new things."
Strive to make your profile unordinary by spicing it up sentence by sentence. Be descriptive, unique, and fun!

3) Filter Out People You Don't Want to Attract

Your profile isn't about getting responses. It is about getting responses from the type of person you are attracted to. Therefore, use descriptions to help narrow your focus to what you want so that you get responses from who you're looking for.

Instead of "I'm looking for someone fun and humorous," say, "I'm looking for a lighthearted man between the ages of 24 and 29 who enjoys the humorous side of life. If you are clean-shaven and can hold a conversation during a 150 mile car journey, then we may be a match. Email me."
In the above example, you created three filters - an age filter (24 and 29), and appearance filter (clean-shaven) and a communication filter (good-communicator). And you did it without offending. But you also created a response filter ("...we may be a match. Email me.") You've helped tell the person what the next step is if they meet your criteria. You've created a call to action, which will help direct interested parties to email you versus waiting.

****Bonus Tip****

Change your header message and main photo often. It keeps it fresh and interesting for people doing searches and increases the chances of it being viewed. Be creative.
A great way to make your profile better is to analyze profiles you really like. What is it that you like about them? What makes the profiles different?

Now what will you do to make your profile different?

Create A Winning Profile

2007-10-18T16:38:00.000-07:00

When you join FaithMate, you will have to create a personal profile that reflects what you are like and what you are looking for. You have only a few paragraphs to do this, so you should make every word should count.

Here’s some advice on how to create the best personal profile.

Above all be both Honest and Modest.

Honesty: initial impressions do count! If you start of by being deceptive or lying to someone about yourself and the other person finds out early on, then they will have formed a bad impression of you immediately. Stopping any chance you might have had of forming a long and meaningful relationship… before it ever had a chance.

Or worse, they find out later once the relationship is starting to blossom then you will have undermined the relationship and have to unwind the lies.

The point is that it is simply not worth telling lies or deceiving a potential partner about yourself. The truth almost always comes out sooner or later and then lack of trust replaces the closeness you once had. Recovering from the deception is almost impossible and leads to the other party questioning everything you say or do.

Be honest and truthful right at the beginning and you will have a rock solid foundation on which to build a faithful, long-term relationship!

Modesty: I can’t think of anyone that likes or admires a braggart. Arrogance and big-headiness can be signs of immaturity, character-flaws, lack of confidence, insecurity and many other things as well. Virtually all women will avoid men who constantly boast!

You have a right to be proud of our achievements in life, and you should share our success with others. But to avoid looking like your bragging or boasting do it in a way that is subtle and over a period of time.

Boasting and bragging never ever works. In fact it has the opposite effect! Being modest always works best!

When you create your profile and email any potential partners keep Honesty and Modesty in mind and you won’t fail! Judge other people's profiles and emails the same way and you will also have an insight into what they are like!

Get The Most Out Of Your Online Christian Dating Experience

2007-10-15T16:25:00.000-07:00

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

4: Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant

5: or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;

6: it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.

7: Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

We are all human and sometimes make mistakes in our personal ads and email messages. It is hard to know a person’s heart without first investing a great deal of time and energy in the process. So always try to give people the benefit of the doubt. Typographical mistakes happen. Ask for clarification before you accuse someone of obscenity or harassing you. Look for a pattern of abuse not just one incident or mistake. For example: we occasionally get members requesting that we take down profiles of people who have indicated they’re a man searching for a man or a woman for women. More often then not when we check into it the person involved simply checked the wrong box.

Don’t rush. Review everything before you submit it or send it. You can always change your profile but you can’t take back an email once you’ve sent it.

Be Safe Online

Most of our members are just like you, they just want to sincerely be in touch with others and enjoy the process of meeting a potential faith-mate. With just a few wise safety measures and everyday common sense you can protect yourself from the small number of bad characters that every Christian dating site attracts. Once they’re in place you can then move forward confident that you did everything you needed to do to protect yourself, your privacy, and trust God to do the rest.

Some Simple Precautions

Even though all your email conversations are handled through FaithMate.com and we don’t give out your personal information it is still a good idea to go to Hotmail, Yahoo or Google and create an e-mail account that you can use for any e-mail you might want to do outside of the website.

Make sure that you use something like “yournickname@hotmail.com” or “fakename@gmail.com”. To be doubly sure that you remain anonymous don’t put your real name into the address. You don’t have to be a genius to figure out that “ billsmith@yahoo.com” is really Bill Smith. What’s great about setting up this kind of anonymous email is if someone does end up bothering you, you can just dispose of it without any issues for the people who you do want to communicate with.

Never provide your real first and last name in your profile. Keep your contact and location details enlightening yet none specific. For example: “I am the only Doctor in Amherst, New Jersey is not as good as “I’m a Doctor in New Jersey.” inexact is not insincere. It keeps an unwanted online-stranger from being able to track you down.

Always use a nickname in your profile, and when you post a photo, make it a current shot with no identifiable location information visible. Women, keep it conservative not sexy. Men, don’t take the risk of showing your bare, muscular chest...some may think that you are vain, arrogant or just plain in-love-with-yourself. Emphasize your personality. Don’t write or show any information that would allow an online-stranger to track you down. When the time is right, you will share your private information, but not until you choose to do so. If another member cannot wait until you feel comfortable with the relationship and tries to pressure you before you are comfortable doing so, move on!

EMOTIONAL SAFETY

Don’t rush into making an emotional investment in someone you have just met online until you know exactly whom you are investing in. Infatuation is not love. Love takes time. Slow and steady wins the race. You should plan on keeping the first meeting brief and public. It’s always good to set expectations. Instead of a full blown date why not arrange to meet during the day for coffee or a brief lunch. Then if it isn’t going well you can always leave without either party feeling bad about it.

Don’t feel guilty for leaving early. Trust your instincts, your common sense, etc. That is why God gave them to you. Dishonest communication leading up to the first face-to-face meeting is often the reason this first meeting with an online-stranger does not “go well”. A brief, face-to-face meeting, can quell the pangs of infatuation, and show firsthand how honest you both have been with each other. There is nothing like reality to keep things on the right track. A brief face-to-face meeting within a month or two after your mutual interest in each other becomes apparent will verify their credentials before you invest your trust and emotions in an online-stranger. Not everyone who joins an online Christian dating service is on the up and up. In fact Christians can be overly trusting and naïve at times. Sure, we want to think the best of someone, but remember that until you verify what a person says by meeting their family or friends or pastor, all you really have to go on is what this online-stranger has written or said to you.

Remember you have the right to feel safe, and enjoy the online dating experience without being pressured, harassed or hassled by an online-stranger, or my own sin-nature, or my own feelings of desperation, or family/peer pressure.

Always ask yourself: Does this person sound too good to be true? Does what they have communicated so far make sense to you. Have you been honest with them and yourself? Have you honestly evaluated everything written or said by this online-stranger? Or are you blinded by wanting to hear something or read something into their words that really is not there? Have you been totally honest yourself? God blesses honesty. For God is Truth and Light and in Him there is no darkness.

PHYSICAL SAFETY TIPS:

Always write down exactly where and when you will be meeting and include the name and contact information of the person you’re going to meet. Then give it to a trusted friend or family member.
In addition to giving a trusted friend or family member the name and contact information, try to give them a resent photo.. Right-click on their personals-ad-photo to download it to a folder on your PC.
Always insist on meeting in a public place. Don’t let them pick you up or even know where you live. If your phone number is not unlisted, get a new phone number, or better yet get a cell phone.
Never leave your purse, wallet or keys unattended. If you go to the restroom take your property with you. Remember, guarding your keys, personal information, etc. is not rude, it is wise.

SPIRITUAL SAFETY.

Who you are spiritually is a very profound part of you. Pray. Pray. Pray. But use your common sense as well. It may sound real “spiritual” to make your first meeting a worship service at your home church, but think again. We all hope and pray that the relationship with this new firend will blossom into a life-long-love. But what if it does not? Meeting at church reveals to this online-stranger exactly where to find you every Sunday. Not to mention the fact that most churches have church directories. Are you in it? Keep your first face-to-face meeting as anonymous and public as possible.. Face it; some of us Christian tend to be far too trusting and naive. Sometimes we live in our “safe” little world, and for the most part, we try to insulate ourselves from the evils of the real world. God does not expect you to drive your car without auto insurance, and God does not expect you to meet an online-stranger without taking every precaution. Using common sense precautions will actually help you relax and enjoy your first “date” or meeting with an online-stranger. May God bless you with much joy and happiness as you seek His perfect will. Finding your special, personal Adam or Eve for a lifetime of happiness can be a very fun process when you exercise a few precautions and common sense.

Have Fun.. Be Safe… Be Smart

2007-10-11T16:03:00.000-07:00

What to DO and Not To DO when using an online dating program.

FaithMate.com offers a fun, safe environment that gives YOU control over your dating experience, but the following tips can help to ensure a fun, safe experience:

DO guard your financial information and beware of solicitation: You’re on FaithMate.com for dating not for financial advice or charitable contributions. Also, notify us immediately if another member asks for money, attempts to sell any merchandise or service, or sends you links to a pay-to-view site or instructions about how to call a 1-900 number.
DO protect your identity: Don't share your real name, personal phone numbers, or any other identifying information while Instant Messaging or emailing until you are comfortable doing so.
DO block abusers: FaithMate.com STRONGLY encourages you to block any member who behaves in an abusive manner and to report the behavior to FaithMate.com. You can block users and report concerns directly from your profile or theirs.
DO trust your gut: Immediately quit IMing when you feel unsure or threatened.
Do keep a record of your conversations. If you are uncomfortable with an IM exchange, remember to click the “Save to file” link on your IM window. FaithMate.com does not keep a record of your IMs.

See below for more great tips to ensure your safety on and off the information super highway.

Finding a loving, faithful long-term relationship is possible online. FaithMate.com offers a fun, safe environment that gives YOU control over your dating experience and allows you to progress at your own pace in order to establish a healthy relationship—whether it's just a casual friendship or a passionate, lasting romance.

Keeping in mind that to grow any relationship you have to give a little to get a little, we also want you to exercise caution. Don't be afraid to make connections. With a little caution and common sense you should be able to avoid meeting people that are untrustworthy.

TIPS FOR MAKING A GOOD ONLINE IMPRESSION

2007-10-09T15:27:00.000-07:00

KEEP IT REAL: One of the great temptations of online personal ads is to embellish the truth about you. Don’t flub on your age, height, weight, etc. If you lie, it will be found out by your date anyway, and dishonesty is an absolute deal-breaker. Therefore, each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. Eph 4:25

KEEP IT LIGHT: In the beginning, keep it light and friendly. Online messages are NOT an appropriate place for providing your entire life story or unloading about your past hurts and current emotional state of being. For now, just give that to God. You’re dialoguing with a potential mate, not Dear Abby.

KEEP IT SHORT: Also, keep it short and simple. No one wants to read a ten page opening email. We are all so inundated with email nowadays, that anytime we see one that requires we scroll down the page, it often gets deleted.

KEEP IT FOCUSED: Don’t send out generic sounding messages or mass emails (i.e. SPAM). Try to pick out specific points from the person’s profile and write an interesting, quirky message including those tidbits. If you’re dialoguing with multiple people, write original messages to each person.

KEEP IT SANE: Don't bombard your potential online mate with message after message. It is annoying and stalker-like behavior. If they haven’t responded, move on. Desperation leads to isolation. Live in harmony with one another. Rom 12:16

KEEP IT COURTEOUS: As a courtesy, you should respond to everyone who writes to you, even if you are not interested. Come up with a standard response like; "Thanks for writing. After reviewing your profile, I don't believe we're a good match. Thanks, and God bless you." It’s just nice and you would want others to give you the same respect. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Rom 12:10

KEEP IT PRIVATE: Don't pass on or ask for contact numbers or addresses in the first few messages. Protect your privacy and respect theirs. …be therefore wise as serpents and harmless as doves. MT. 10:16b

KEEP IT CURRENT: A beautiful, clear photo is not just part of the ad, it’s everything. If you post a bad photo (as in dark, blurry, taken in your bedroom mirror on your cell, etc) on your profile, you will be disappointed by the lack of response.

KEEP IT HOLY: No overly sexy or cleavage-heavy photos, which will attract the wrong kind of customer. Yes, even on Christian dating sites. …make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother’s way. Rom 14:13

KEEP IT LOOSE: Don’t post a strict laundry list of rules and traits that you need your potential mate to follow/have. Remain open-minded, flexible and fun towards others and you won’t turn people off. Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God. Rom 15:7

KEEP IT HUMBLE: Don’t seem self-absorbed! Focus on what you bring to the table in addition to what you expect from potential mates.

KEEP IT BUBBLY: Be upbeat and interesting in your responses. Ask a few specific questions that require more than a simple yes or no response to stimulate further conversation. Nobody likes a boring stick in the mud.

KEEP IT INTEGRAL: Yes, ladies want to be taken care of. But, don’t catalog your grocery list of financial obligations in a mate, or you may come across as a shallow gold-digger. Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you as well. Mt 6:33

KEEP IT DISCREET: God wants us to be fruitful and multiply. But, even if your number one priority in life is to become a parent, it’s probably a good idea to save any talk about having children until later. The fastest way to an empty inbox is to start discussing those five kids you want to start having yesterday.

KEEP IT EDUCATED: And, remember kids: spell-check is free.

And last but not least BE SMART! IF someone asks you for money, whether it’s to help a sick relative, pay for a plane ticket because they’ve been abandoned in a foreign country, or help them get money released from an inheritance - CHANCES are it’s a scam.

10 TIPS FOR A FIRST DATE (AND HOPEFULLY SUBSEQUENT ONES!)

2007-10-09T15:24:00.000-07:00

Here are some tips we thought would helpful.

NEVER BE LATE (men!!) – Always give yourself enough time to get ready. It’s usually best to make a first date on a Saturday night because you’re less likely to be rushed. Who wants to go on a first date at the end of a hectic work week? Scheduling a date on the weekend will also give you some time to unwind and pray before the date. Most importantly, you will be ready on time!
RELAX – Dating should be fun. While it’s okay (and prudent) to have your spiritual antennas up, it’s also okay to relax and enjoy yourself. On a first date you want to be easy going; a person whose fun to hang out with. With dates, too serious too soon is a good way to make that first date the last one.
BE CONFIDENT – Even if you’re not feeling 100% on your first date, behave like you do. Remember, you’re 100% in Christ, so walk in that confidence. Don’t put yourself down, and only be self-deprecating if that’s part of your sense of humor. You have reason to be confident (not arrogant), you’re a Christian!
NEVER MAKE ASSUMPTIONS – Always look for the good in the other person. They’re going through things just like you are. It’s called life. Add glaring “red flags” to your mental checklist, but don’t make assumptions of minor infractions. They’re nervous just like you.
MAKE EYE CONTACT & SMILE – There really isn’t much to be said about this one, but believe me, this action speaks volumes. Stay alerted and interested.
HOLD YOUR TONGUE – Refrain from telling your date everything. Save something for later. Share your life story like it’s a junior high essay (a couple of 8-sentence paragraphs), not an epic novel. Do more listening than talking. From a spiritual perspective, you’ll discern a lot more from the date if you listen rather than blab the whole night.
ACCEPT & GIVE COMPLIMENTS – Both of these actions show that you’re confident. Don’t be overly flirtatious or condescending, but punctuate the date with a few compliments, and graciously accept them when given. The Bible speaks often of building others up with words. There’s no better way to bring out the best in a person than to speak fondly of them.
EMPHASIZE YOUR SIMILARITIES – When you come across a topic of similar interest during a conversation, let the dialogue flow. Avoid being dismissive of things the other person says or feels strongly about. The last thing you want to do is get into an argument on a first date. Many a first dates that never became romantic turned out to be great friendships. There’s always room in your life for more friends who share your values & beliefs.
DON’T DISCUSS PROBLEMS – Save the “drama talk” for your momma or best friend. Never use a first date as a therapy session. Gossip, whining and complaining will only poison a first date, and will likely make future dating possibilities null & void.
EXPECT THE BEST – Don’t go into a first date looking for things to go wrong. The worst thing that can happen is a bad date can be chalked up as experience. And at least you’ll have a revelation of who isn’t Mr. or Mrs. Right. The Bible tells us that our expectation and hope should come from the Lord. With that in mind, you should go on your first date believing Romans 8:28: that regardless of how it turns out, it’s going to work together for your good!

Tips For Dating

2007-10-09T15:14:00.000-07:00

We all know how important it is to put God first in your life. A Christian marriage takes serious preparation. Read the Bible; attend a church. Study God's wisdom for marriage, husbands and wives. The Bible gives us one very important instruction in this area, and that is to be "equally yoked". (II Corinthians 6:14) Study and understand what this really means!

KNOW THY SELF Take the time to make any necessary changes YOU may need so that you can become a good partner to someone. Happiness will never come in marriage if you’re not first happy with yourself.

KNOW THY NEEDS You must know what your needs are so that you can communicate them to a potential partner. These are the things you cannot compromise on! Ask your partner what his/her needs are. Find out whether the two of you can meet these needs for each other. We can't even begin to tell you how important this really is! If a potential partner cannot meet your needs during the courting stage, there’s no way he/she will meet them during marriage.

KNOW THY SIGNS Learn to accept the red flags that come up while dating. The realization that someone you’re dating is not your "special someone" is half the battle. You could spend a lifetime trying to make a relationship work that was never designed to work. Everyone has good and bad qualities. Just because you may not be suited for someone does not mean that that person would not be a great partner for someone else! If it's not "right", respect yourself and that person enough to let go. The longer you wait, the harder it is to detach. Both of you deserve to be with the right person, and have happy lives.

KNOW THY FEARS Don't live in fear about the possibilities that you may be single in your lifetime. Fear breeds insanity while dating! And no one wants to marry an insane person. Your needs won't matter at all! You will make extremely foolish decisions if this fear takes over. Fill your life with the things are fulfilling. Give it to God and LEAVE it with HIM!

KNOW THY LIMITS Excessive abusers: functioning alcoholics, weekend binger's, substance abusers, etc., and the like, are "UNAVAILABLE" for committed relationships. These individuals need help and disease makes them, for the moment, unable to sustain a healthy relationship. It is impossible by God's standards to worship anything above Him! God must always come first! This type of "relationship" will only lead to continual hurt. Always encourage, as much as possible, that they seek the help they so deserve, so that one day they can experience the life that God has intended for them. For Christian Resources for recovery on the internet, go to Christians In Recovery

KNOW THY FRIENDS Seek wise counsel to assist you in making the right decision. Marriage is A COMMITMENT, for LIFE. You owe it to yourself to choose wisely.

Finding the right mate and making a lifetime commitment to that person is a wonderful gift from God. Allow these tools, and others to help you begin your journey towards lifelong, permanent relationships!

God Bless.